DickBlog - Not much original comment, but lots of great resources - Funnies

Why Does this Sounds Right?

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 13:02:00 +0100

My Son

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 08:40:00 +0100

A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled a hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "sorry but do you know me?" She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has ever been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I sh*gged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my a*se!?"

"No" she replies coldly,"I'm your son's English Teacher".

Headache Cure

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 08:39:00 +0100

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and thepressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

The salesman said, "Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Dear Dad...

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 08:34:00 +0100

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dear Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands...

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant. Joan said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for us and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure, we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son

Brett

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the School Report that's in my desk drawer. I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

The Genie of the Lamp

Sat, 01 Oct 2005 10:51:00 +0100

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A large man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding." he said,

"Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

Why I fired my secretary

Sat, 10 Sep 2005 09:44:00 +0100

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "happy birthday."

I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. so when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good morning, boss, happy birthday!"

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock and then jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing i've heard all day. let's go!"

We went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously on the way back to the office, Jane said,
"You know, it's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. what do you have in mind?" She said, "let's go to my flat." After arriving at her flat Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back." "OK." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife,kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday". And I just sat there...

on the couch...

naked.

Do the washing up when you are asked

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 18:00:00 +0100

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Triumph Bonniville with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

Well, it's quite simple, really says the seller, whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.

It protects it from the rain, And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.

No problem, he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mum. She's got a great body, he thinks. So he grabs the mum, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,

All right, that's enough, I'll do the f**king dishes!!!

Free Screen Cleaner

Fri, 11 Feb 2005 11:49:00 +0100

A free screen cleaning service for all internet users.

Rules for the Office

Mon, 15 Nov 2004 00:00:00 +0100

Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers' hell.
Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Work vs Prison?

Thu, 28 Oct 2004 00:00:00 +0100

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit more clear.

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6 x 8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.

So why is it again that we work?

Urban Legends

Mon, 18 Oct 2004 00:00:00 +0100

http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/obnox.htm

Out of Office Replies

Mon, 11 Oct 2004 00:00:00 +0100

Some funny 'out-of-office' replies that you may wish to use!!

You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
I am on holiday. Your email has been deleted.
I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
Sorry to have missed you but I am in hospital having a frontal lobotomy so that I may be promoted to management
I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on [date]. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
The email server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)
Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
Hi! I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Sally' instead of 'Steve'.

99rooms.com

Tue, 06 Jul 2004 00:00:00 +0100

This is a great time waster!

http://99rooms.terracontent.de/

What Job Should You Be Doing!

Tue, 06 Jul 2004 00:00:00 +0100

http://www.jobpredictor.com/

Dick Blog should be unemployed!

Under my real name I should be a Dietician. Or with my full name I should be the Speaking Clock!

Go reverse engineer that!

DHTML Lemings!

Fri, 04 Jun 2004 00:00:00 +0100

This is great! Do you remember lemings? Well here's an online version written in DHTML!

Respect!

http://home.no.net/forplay/Games/Lemings/